Saturday, August 15, 2009

Honesty in a box

Growing up, I had to make several synthetic distinctions that would protect me from myself. What was public would have to undergo extreme scrutiny... and I found myself privatizing not only my thoughts, but also my emotions as well as my physical idiosyncrasies. But the most important distinction I had to make those I considered my guy friends from those I liked. By no means could those two intersect. It was simple to follow through because it never happened that these two things did intersect... never did I feel like they were intersecting.

And now...I hate to say it... but those things are starting to intersect. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with it (I understand that), but the defenses I set up early on (years before I started dating) compel me to think any such thoughts are extreme sins... that I am doing something wrong when the two cross my mind. I've formed an aversion to any conception of a male friend in a sexual way.

In some ways, I blame the friend (though not completely in a serious way) for passing advances in the first place. It was never a question before a couple days ago our relationship... there was no place in my head for the two to meet up. And now, after being given the thought of such a thing occurring... I don't know... I can't help but think of it... to have it pass through my head.

And in no way am I happy about this... I hate this precisely because I have no way of coping with such weird relations. I'm at a loss of what to really think... because this has never happened before. Here's the thing that extremely bothers me about the situation:

1.) I already have established relations with this person. I know what I can do and can't do in such relations and it is perfectly okay for me to think of such things in this way. If something were to happen, I face a risk of losing a friend.

2.) I have a tendency to become attracted to people who pass advances my way first. But there has been more than one occasion where one kiss wises me up. I get the feeling, "What the fuck was I thinking?" I don't know if I'm really genuinely attracted to this person or just enjoying the flirtatious advances... and it friggin' bothers me that I can't tell the difference beforehand.

3.) I feel relatively neutral around this person in any given occasion... I don't feel obligated to leap on them or touch them or be close to them... doesn't that mean I'm just not attracted?

4.) I just broke up with the first person I've ever fallen in love with about a month ago. I miss them dearly, and if this is to happen, isn't it fair to the other person to actually have someone who's completely moved past his past relationship especially if he's my friend.

So I felt jealous at the party when someone else started to hit on this person at the party tonight... so I make calls to this person for flirtatious gesture. These things do not mean I should go for it. I have a friend... a friend that I would hate to lose because of a bout of naive articulation or understanding of personal emotion. Its not worth that much uncertainty to give up something already certain.

Friends it must be... and friends it shall be...

Please let this be the right decision... please.

1 comment:

  1. mike mike mike. i totally know how you feel and it is best to just be friends because you do not want to loose a friend over something that you know would not work out in the end. it is hard, but you made the right decision in my eyes.